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Nov. 2nd, 2009

Looking right now

I get crushes really easily

And he probably doesn't suspect anything which is fine by me
I missed feeling in love

But I don't think anything happens without a reason, so I'm going to take this as the sign I asked for
1. Saw him in the dining hall and ate with him and pooj
1.5 I sit between him and vines in the next social studies tutorial (where before I had always sat on the door side of the round table)
2. Was in a rush and sat far away in the dining hall before review session, even with notebook out, he comes over and sits with me (happens to be the right time). I mention that I saw him falling asleep in the library.
2.5 He's in there Halloween night while I'm stressing out and instead of sitting in the library I sit in the next room over (where I can still hear him talking) and proceed to fall asleep after not getting work done
3. Thinking of when he normally eats dinner, I get down there around that time and see him again. Stressed about midterm, I sit in the balcony assuming that since I saw vines in there to that they would sit together. Is it wrong that my heart lighten when they come up and we sit for dinner again.
4. I come to the computer lab to print something out and end up staying a bit to finish Spanish. I happen to turn around and it's him. He came in to fax something for vines and we chat a bit. Oh how smooth he is in coming to sit beside me.

Every encounter can be taken as completely by chance. But hey, it still happened, and I could calculate the probabilty but chances are I've already been fudging the numbers because I've already been trying to be in positions to see him. Gosh, I don't even flirt, but he has a air of kind stability and distinct similarity as if we're coming from the same place.

Nothing will probably happen
But it's nice to be able to have the capacity to believe that something might
Perhaps I haven't given up on living just yet.

UPDATE: Also did I mention he's doing cultural survival as well? We biked up together the first time ;)

Oct. 31st, 2009

Liz, Sarah, Nani, Me

I don't like being so easily affected by my relationship with others

What does Sophia want? I don't know
But yes, not knowing is ok too.

SPEAK UP, for the love of GOD, Speak.
You can not be heard if you do not speak

Mundane
Thoughts that do not contrive meaning worth
They don't even understand; Do I understand?
When I thought my thoughts mattered I do 
But I'm still afraid of being stupid I don't

I'm not like them
I want them to fall
Wash it clean, that's why I'm here, to get out.
Wake up girl, I will.
Escape

Finally some alone time

P and G have been in my room a lot this past week. It's nice to have people to come back to instead of staying in my room not working. It's funny though cause I can't not for the life of me get any work down when they're around. L and I are back to normal, it's nice to not care about my vugar language around him again, and I can't wait to go hang out with them again. Now what about S I don't know.

There's still the talk of relationships in the air, at times it brings frustration and other times I just seems ridiculous to think about it at all. I wish S would let me follow him to the events I know he goes to. Part of me thinks he's embarrassed to be around me, I realize I'm not in any pictures with either of them... He just went to a party of a friend (who've I've met and formed a study group with) and did not ask me to come with (don't know if I would have), I'm not really close friends with them, but now I feel like I don't have the chance to. And I'm bit sad feeling like I'm always second with them considering they won't tell me things. I hate putting so much intro friendships and not getting anything back, or at least not enough. I wish they were closer, then I could be closer (and I am open with them, which is why what they say hurts).
It's tiring trying to keep friendships. Especially if you're always blue =( 

There are people back home that I trust (that right, you)

Update: I hate secrets. L and S are keeping secrets from me because I'm a girl and because they want to keep the issue private. I feel like such an outsider. I like having close friends but people here seem so distant. Or at the least the ones I know. Times like these I wish I had another group of friends that would be more accepting.

The same questions come up over and over again, but they aren't productive. I want my old confidence back now but even getting there is no longer imaginable. Terrifying.

INFLUENCE ME - Fill me with your passion

Oct. 25th, 2009

Death of Environmentalism

I just realized something that could help me get an A on all my next papers

Pick/angle a more specific argument/question
Looking right now

Why am I so Rude

Point 1
MAPS Sleep out was awesome, there was so much energy passion, a need and desire to know everyone there

Point 2
I made L, S, C, Nat wait 20 minutes before I got back to eat with them
I realize now my frustration probably comes about because I didn't know other people would be there
...
I got pissed when I went to their room and they weren't there,
I got pissed when I saw that they were eating with other people too
I got pissed waiting. I hate waiting (which is try I hate making people wait)
I got pissed because they said they were debating coming to the quad to eat with us (now I realize it may just have been for cournety too)
That's it I get pissed not feeling loved by them at all or by anyone that was there, I DON" FUCKING MATTER
I feel like just another friend (our friend structure is a tree not a web - in which friends of friends are friends)
I so I ate quickly and left

And you know what? I saw some people I haven't seen in a while and I was very nice to them
But because I was around people I do know well I was pissed off at myself for not getting my work done (and I'm pissed off for not remaining cool and collected about it - I hate that I hating making people wait, but I aren't I just making myself even more invisible?) , for making people wait and for FUCKING NOT TALK IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AT THE RALLY - instead my good friend Kani showed and was SUPER NERVOUS but talked and was then followed up on by people that I WANTED TO MEET

(JEALOUSY) 

(RAGE)

(FRUSTRATION)

I hate that you like her and I'm pissed that you don't just go for it
Then at least I could cut myself off
I need anger to create chaos and something new

YET EVER TIME I SAY I"M GOING TO CHANGE (Not be shy, make an effort to know how people are when I'm rudely late and rudely say I want to leave for my own selfish reasons, when i work so hard on a Campaign and am not recognized by anyone because I was afraid of speaking in front of them, of their judgment and my insecure lies)

I DONT
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